Be Myself

I can’t be myself.

I don’t know when I am “me.”

And immediately this feels like a bad idea, but it didn’t before I opened Word.

There are so many ways that people change their mood purposefully: coffee, exercise, drugs even.

I usually wait till late at night because it’s “easier” to write.

Why? Shouldn’t I be able to write the same at all times of the day?

But I can’t. And my mood changes all the time, and then I wonder if that’s changing more than just my mood.

Am I still myself?

And then the sarcasm kicks in and I wonder if Mr. Bordwell was right.

When questions get asked in writing, sometimes the answer then is “stop reading.”

But Ze Frank asks questions in his videos all the time. I can hear his tone now, echoing in my head.

So who is writing this paper?

I thought I conquered my “Multiple-Ian Complex,” but I think I just made it more complex.

One of the first things Ishmam told me when I started my blog was that the writing didn’t sound like me.

I don’t know what he thought of that, but that made me worry, because I thought it did.

But me talking to Ishmam is at a different time than me writing a blog post.

The one shard of sanity I have left is that I do proofread some things.

None of these posts are really proofread at different times of the day, but serious school stuff is.

And I do make changes, but I feel as if I can keep a constant voice or flavor.

And just like writing this has calmed me down, maybe writing is what unifies me.

I just need to keep writing, then.

And the writing can be me.

We, Us

Well, here we are. We’ve spent four years together, and in just four months, we’ll be separated—scattered; from here to Chicago, from New York to LA, from the United States to England. We’re all waiting anxiously for the moment that’s been assigned to us since we got our Novell usernames. Two-thousand twelve seemed too far away back then, but here we are.

This is the end. Our time at the school is done, and there are so many memories of the school. Having spent so much time in one building, there is a connection we have with the place. The school has been a vessel for so many of our memories these past four years. All the time we spent and connections we made have made an impact on our lives. However, as we leave, it will be difficult to say if we have made an impact on the school. If we come back to visit in a few years, will the things we did be remembered? Some of the younger kids and the teachers will remember us, but our specific actions will probably not impact the school after we leave. But I think that there is something wrong with wanting to impact a place.

 Wherever you are, wherever you go, a place is special because of the people. We shouldn’t ask ourselves, “Where do I belong?” Rather, we should ask “With whom do I belong?” I think that we, as human beings, do make a lasting impact on other human beings. When your best friend goes off and develops a cure for cancer, you can remember the time you dunked on them while playing basketball. When a friend in band becomes a famous musician, you can remember all the goofing off you did in class. You can remember freshman gym class with that pro athlete. There will always be memories of our shenanigans.   What we do in the school won’t matter to the kids that come after us, but those kids won’t matter to us, either.

The people that have stayed with you are the ones that know who you are and what you’ve been through. I think that the most important thing in life is relating to others. It’s difficult to do, so we have to give our full effort to understanding each other. Because if we don’t have other human beings, what do we have? We won’t leave an impact on the school, but we’ll have left an impact on our friends. In our new lives, there will be more people to impact. That is what we are going out to do. We’re going out to make an impact on a larger amount of people in the real world.

We must remember not to forget. When we go off to new and exciting places, we might lose our old connections. There will be times to make new friends, but don’t let your best ones go. Keep this time with you. It’s been a good four years, and as we go off into the wild of the real world, I hope the friends we’ve made will stay connected. We’re here for each other. Remember that it doesn’t matter where we belong, but with whom we belong. Good luck, class of 2012.

The Average American Summer

I’m getting rid of my brain crack in chunks, hoping I will be forced to eventually complete my project.

I was inspired by Elsa’s comment: “the average american summer”.

With my very vague post I think the people that read it all had a different concept of what kind of show I wanted to do.

I figure Elsa might have meant some kind of documentary, which I’ve been filming a lot of anyway.

But that doesn’t matter, because I was inspired.

I wanted to film a drama, not a soap opera, but a legitimate show.

This is what it’s going to be centered on:

The Average American Summer.

There’s a lot that happens in three months. There’s a lot that can change in three months. There’s a lot that stays the same in three months. There’s a lot of free time in three months.

When school doesn’t take up 7 hours of your day and then more because of homework, there is a lot more quality human interaction. Even someone with a job probably feels freer just because they’re not doing the same thing everyone else is.

The problem is we’re still bound by the same system. Summer is just a function of school, even if the goal is to have as little to do with school as possible.

There’s a lot that goes back to normal after three months. There’s a lot of nothing that happens in three months.

This is about kids having their own unique Summers in the same way.  This is the average American Summer.

The story will be centered on unique characters so that there is a plot. The events taking place will be average in that they aren’t spectacular, but not average in that everyone does them. Sure, there will be events that most people expect, but I’m not going to be taking a poll on what the most average activities are.

I haven’t decided anything about the characters yet, because I don’t want to force it. I want to have these sudden great bursts of inspiration I’ve been having, and let those guide my work. That’s no way to get work done on time, but so far this has been moving faster than other ideas I’ve had.

So this is my way of doing as little school as possible—my own Average American Summer.

Tell Me a Story

I need to do something. And if I do something I think I can prove to myself and to my mom that I don’t need to get a job this summer because I’m doing what I’ll be doing in the future and getting real experience instead of selling drinks I’ve never tasted or selling some twelve year old a game I’ll never play.

I know that money is important and if I do this I’ll probably end up losing money overall. But I think if you were bitter enough you could describe life as a sequence of losing money. So what I want to do is get the best out of life that I can at this moment, and then in the next moment, and then the moment after that.

Maybe I should get a job so I can afford a nice camera, but maybe I don’t need a nice camera. I do have a nice camera already. What I need is skills. So I’ve repeated myself a couple times now, I figure I should get to the point.

I have this urge, as I said up there, to start something. I know what I want to do, but I need a little more inspiration than that. I want to film some sort of serial show, like a drama; something that I haven’t written for in a long while. But I don’t know where to start. I could think about and force something out, but there’s nothing there but the idea of filming a show. I’m just waiting to be inspired.

I’ve already been inspired to do something by watching Ze Frank, but now I want the something to be changed from “some” to a specific thing. I could go scour around for a good idea, but I want permission to be inspired. I don’t want to infringe on someone else unless they are offering their ideas to me.

The last time I tried this, I got zero responses, so I don’t know why the hell I’m doing this again, but I’ve written this damn post so I’m going to publish it. I know people read the posts, but they barely respond. I hope you’ll respond at least on Facebook this time. I just need ideas, and then I will go to work. I want to entertain you. Maybe the best way to do that is to get inspiration from the people I want to entertain.

Tell me a story so I can tell it back.