Be Myself

I can’t be myself.

I don’t know when I am “me.”

And immediately this feels like a bad idea, but it didn’t before I opened Word.

There are so many ways that people change their mood purposefully: coffee, exercise, drugs even.

I usually wait till late at night because it’s “easier” to write.

Why? Shouldn’t I be able to write the same at all times of the day?

But I can’t. And my mood changes all the time, and then I wonder if that’s changing more than just my mood.

Am I still myself?

And then the sarcasm kicks in and I wonder if Mr. Bordwell was right.

When questions get asked in writing, sometimes the answer then is “stop reading.”

But Ze Frank asks questions in his videos all the time. I can hear his tone now, echoing in my head.

So who is writing this paper?

I thought I conquered my “Multiple-Ian Complex,” but I think I just made it more complex.

One of the first things Ishmam told me when I started my blog was that the writing didn’t sound like me.

I don’t know what he thought of that, but that made me worry, because I thought it did.

But me talking to Ishmam is at a different time than me writing a blog post.

The one shard of sanity I have left is that I do proofread some things.

None of these posts are really proofread at different times of the day, but serious school stuff is.

And I do make changes, but I feel as if I can keep a constant voice or flavor.

And just like writing this has calmed me down, maybe writing is what unifies me.

I just need to keep writing, then.

And the writing can be me.